( now, that he says cheerfully enough, in that whimsically ironic way he says a lot of things. haha! nope, it was awful! he's kidding a little bit, but also really not at the same time. in some ways he'd rather not explain, just laugh it off and move on. but if there's one thing he can't help regaling people with, it's his suffering. and why not? there's so much of it, and he's so good at talking about it. )
It was helpful at first, I guess. It gave me something to fight for. I knew nothing would be as simple as making a deal and sitting back to let it play out, and he did always love to torment me by planting the idea in the back of my mind that you weren't really as safe as we'd agreed on, so... when it felt hopeless, I'd think of you and keep going. But eventually that just wasn't enough. When I couldn't fight anymore, it was just... hell. Sometimes I think I... wanted to forget all of you. So I wouldn't have to remember what I lost. Or how much I let you down.
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( now, that he says cheerfully enough, in that whimsically ironic way he says a lot of things. haha! nope, it was awful! he's kidding a little bit, but also really not at the same time. in some ways he'd rather not explain, just laugh it off and move on. but if there's one thing he can't help regaling people with, it's his suffering. and why not? there's so much of it, and he's so good at talking about it. )
It was helpful at first, I guess. It gave me something to fight for. I knew nothing would be as simple as making a deal and sitting back to let it play out, and he did always love to torment me by planting the idea in the back of my mind that you weren't really as safe as we'd agreed on, so... when it felt hopeless, I'd think of you and keep going. But eventually that just wasn't enough. When I couldn't fight anymore, it was just... hell. Sometimes I think I... wanted to forget all of you. So I wouldn't have to remember what I lost. Or how much I let you down.