( now, that he says cheerfully enough, in that whimsically ironic way he says a lot of things. haha! nope, it was awful! he's kidding a little bit, but also really not at the same time. in some ways he'd rather not explain, just laugh it off and move on. but if there's one thing he can't help regaling people with, it's his suffering. and why not? there's so much of it, and he's so good at talking about it. )
It was helpful at first, I guess. It gave me something to fight for. I knew nothing would be as simple as making a deal and sitting back to let it play out, and he did always love to torment me by planting the idea in the back of my mind that you weren't really as safe as we'd agreed on, so... when it felt hopeless, I'd think of you and keep going. But eventually that just wasn't enough. When I couldn't fight anymore, it was just... hell. Sometimes I think I... wanted to forget all of you. So I wouldn't have to remember what I lost. Or how much I let you down.
[not let her down. forget her. the list goes on and on, and no morga isn't sure if she has the drive to go through every little reason in one sitting. the list of actual people is much shorter, but each one is memorable in their own right. whether it be her son, former tribemates, enemies... more, even. where did julian sit? somewhere in the more category, though morga is reluctant to say it out loud. so, she won't. she doesn't. not right now. maybe later, maybe never.]
It's... almost mutual, you know. I tried to forget you once or twice, but I've got a few bad habits that made it impossible to do so. Habits that I'd be reluctant to let go of.
[like sinking her claws and teeth into her past - good and bad - and refusing to let go. wanting to protect what she had, rather than let those things fend for themselves like she ought to. it's one of her strengths, but also her biggest weakness.]
...I also hope you understand that you didn't let me down. Disappoint me? Yes, but... Everyone does that from time to time. But if I thought you were going to let me down, I would've sent you away the first time you traveled south of Vesuvia's borders. I saw potential in you, and I was glad to see that I wasn't wrong.
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( now, that he says cheerfully enough, in that whimsically ironic way he says a lot of things. haha! nope, it was awful! he's kidding a little bit, but also really not at the same time. in some ways he'd rather not explain, just laugh it off and move on. but if there's one thing he can't help regaling people with, it's his suffering. and why not? there's so much of it, and he's so good at talking about it. )
It was helpful at first, I guess. It gave me something to fight for. I knew nothing would be as simple as making a deal and sitting back to let it play out, and he did always love to torment me by planting the idea in the back of my mind that you weren't really as safe as we'd agreed on, so... when it felt hopeless, I'd think of you and keep going. But eventually that just wasn't enough. When I couldn't fight anymore, it was just... hell. Sometimes I think I... wanted to forget all of you. So I wouldn't have to remember what I lost. Or how much I let you down.
no subject
[not let her down. forget her. the list goes on and on, and no morga isn't sure if she has the drive to go through every little reason in one sitting. the list of actual people is much shorter, but each one is memorable in their own right. whether it be her son, former tribemates, enemies... more, even. where did julian sit? somewhere in the more category, though morga is reluctant to say it out loud. so, she won't. she doesn't. not right now. maybe later, maybe never.]
It's... almost mutual, you know. I tried to forget you once or twice, but I've got a few bad habits that made it impossible to do so. Habits that I'd be reluctant to let go of.
[like sinking her claws and teeth into her past - good and bad - and refusing to let go. wanting to protect what she had, rather than let those things fend for themselves like she ought to. it's one of her strengths, but also her biggest weakness.]
...I also hope you understand that you didn't let me down. Disappoint me? Yes, but... Everyone does that from time to time. But if I thought you were going to let me down, I would've sent you away the first time you traveled south of Vesuvia's borders. I saw potential in you, and I was glad to see that I wasn't wrong.